It occurred to me that as a society we are very hung up on looks (what?! this is a shocking revelation!). With a few notable exceptions, our celebrities, musicians, female professional wrestlers (known as ‘Divas’ for the uninitiated), and gravediggers are all wank material.
The problem with this concept is that we really have no way to organize said gravediggers into appropriate groupings of hotness, which as you can imagine causes endless problems. I know when I’m discussing the attractiveness of a person with a friend I stumble over words trying to describe them. Once I even referred to Klondike Kardashian as “a beacon of hope to the American people,” when what I meant to say was “fuckable.”
Enter the Patrick Duffy Scale of Attractiveness. I have created a simple system of categorizing hot people into five distinct groups which are all segmented by the hunky King of Townsend, Montana. Let’s get started, shall we?
Five Stars: The Shirtless
I suppose this one really doesn’t need a description, but I will go ahead and spell it out for those who are unaware of how sex-tastic this is.
Here we have a Patrick Duffy in true form. Shirtless and clutching onto a local tree. Oh how women (and some fellas too) pine (see what I did there!) to be that tree, Duffy’s muscular frame firmly clutching the tree as if to reassure it, his apparently webbed fingers stroking the bark as if to say “I’m here for you, tree.”
The Shirtless is the pinnacle of Duffy kids, it doesn’t get more attractive than this.
Celebrity and gravedigger examples: Scarlett Johansson (actress), Chris Hemsworth (actor), Charlotte McKinney (model), Rupert T. “Total Package” Dirtmover (gravedigger)
Four Stars: The Leopard
Look at that Goddamn smile. And holy shit he’s holding some sort of wildcat. The Leopard group may not be the top of the foodchain (animal jokes!), but they are damn close and certainly worth an ogle or two.
This is the kind of group that may never win any ‘Sexiest Person’ awards, but in their own right they might just be sexier than those that do. Maybe just like in the photo above, they have wrinkles that might turn off one person, but to the next they are a gateway into the soul, a lined portal that transports you to a place of total pleasure.
Celebrity and gravedigger examples: Evangeline Lilly (actress), Antonio Banderas (actor), Wendy H. “The Almost Total Package” Holedigger (gravedigger)
Three Stars: The Silver Fox
Mysterious, alluring, captivating. All are key traits to the Silver Fox. You can find flaws with this type of attractiveness, but you won’t find many. This is the group that you will find unconventional means of beauty, meaning it may not be all blonde bombshells or tall, dark, and handsome men, but they are eye candy in their own right.
This is the kind of person that if one of your friends was dating them it would be believable, but still pretty stupid. You would ask how they hooked up and your friend would spout something off like “all I did was ask,” or “seriously man, just go talk to them,” and you would think that’s a load of bullshit and then you go to resent that friend because they have an ability to do simple things without getting extremely anxious, then before long you’ll be plotting how to ruin their relationship just to make yourself feel better.
Celebrity and gravedigger examples: Jason Bateman (actor), Eva Green (actress), Garth C. “Almost Complete Package” Dugby
Two Stars: The Cowboy Hat
The Cowboy Hat grouping contains sexy, sexy people who have minor flaws that detract from their hotness. As in the picture above, you still have Patrick Duffy who embodies attractiveness, but he has a cowboy hat on, which embodies everything that is wrong with the World.
The flaws in these people are so evident that it takes them out of the upper echelon and buries them into obscurity. If you were to find yourself dating a Cowboy Hat, you would still be very pleased with your result, but when you took them out to brag to your friends they would talk bad about it behind your back.
Celebrity and gravedigger examples: Kristen Stewart (plank of wood), Justin Bieber (assbag), Gravedigger G. “Meh” Gravedigger (artificial sweetener consultant)
One Star: The Shkreli
Yuck. The Shkreli encompasses everyone else in the public eye. These are people who simply are not Patrick Duffy.
Celebrity and gravedigger examples: Guy Fieri (meaty bro), Rachael Ray (meaty bronette), Weevil K. “I’m not a Gravedigger” Shovelnaut (not a gravedigger)