Left Handed People are Not People


by Virginia Pendlestat

This country has gone to Hell. And I mean it. I remember back when it was taboo to even look at a Mexican none the less talk about giving them equal pay. I learned very quickly from my father, the late Earl Winston Dumphry, that we mustn’t consider those that are not our equals, our equals. The fact that he spent time in prison is not a blight on my family, it’s actually a source of pride. That negro had no right to be walking across the street like that. It was night out, and you can only see their teeth in the dark. Like eerie jungle cats peering out at you from the trees, ready to pounce and steal your children.

But I’m not here to speak to you today about the vile people of color inflicting this great nation. No, the enemy I speak of bears a mark which can be concealed. It is truly the mark of the beast itself, for you never see it coming. Just the other day I was conversing with what I believed to be a widow who had just moved into the area and was interested in joining the church baking club. I thought she was delightful as she discussed a new method for getting the cupcakes out of the pan. I should have known it was truly the Devil’s work when I asked her to write down her cornbread recipe and she began to write with the accursed hand.

I promptly stormed up to Reverend Coolidge and told him of the monstrosity that was lurking in the basement. He assured me that everything would be OK and that I should ask our Lord for forgiveness. Our beautiful, colorless Lord who uses his right hand for his tasks. After an hour of prayer I noticed that the beast was no longer downstairs and a half-finished cornbread recipe was left on the counter. I burned it as I sang “Abide with Me” and recounted all six of the sins I’ve committed in my lifetime.

Hand of God

Which hand is God using? I thought so. Of course that heathen Adam uses the hand of which he pulled down the forbidden fruit. He also likely touched himself with it.

When I was seven years old I picked up a glass of water with my left hand and my father did as any Godly Christian man should, and he beat me severely. It was then that I learned about the true nature of our bodily sins. “In order for there to be good there has to be bad,” my father taught me. “God blessed us with an appendage to grasp and wash our dishes and clothes with, but he then replicated it as a reminder of the sins that we have committed.” From that day forward, I never used my left hand for anything more than was necessary, which is just what God intended.

Nowadays you see people all over the streets grasping things with “The Devil’s Handlebar,” as I like to call it. They twirl their cellular phones, push buttons on their boom boxes, and even touch each other with that nasty appendage. It’s enough to make the Holy Ghost faint. And not one of these beatniks even has the decency to tuck the nasty thing away in their jean-jacket pockets.

I saw just the other day on the news that President No-bama is left-handed as well. Now not only does he have the skin color of a demon, but it’s confirmed that he actually is a demon now. God blessed us with angels and Precious Moments figurines, but he also challenges us daily with ornamental rugs and tricksters like that “deceiver”-in-chief. And now that little spawn of his is going to Harvard. The blacks and the Jews are now working together to ruin us all.



When I was organizing our neighborhood bake sale to raise funds for some Peter Popoff tapes, I learned a sinister secret about Bob Oberlund from just up the road. After the war when he lost his right arm to the Vietcong, he simply learned to do everything with his left hand! I understand if you need to stop and come back to this e-article later, because that is some sickening news. We all knew he should have just given up on his hobbies and refused to pick up his granddaughter after he was left with just The Devil’s Handlebar for his usage. Instead he doesn’t even seem to be bothered by it! Now I wish the Asians would have just blowed off both of his arms. Of course this explains what happened to my chrysanthemum bushes, clearly there was dark magic at work here.

It just never ceases to amaze me how hard it is to be a Godly Christian in this day and age. There are Hispanics, colored people, Asians, single mothers, bartenders, ornamental rug salesman, and left-handers all out there trying to corrupt our youth. Of course the youth themselves are part of the problem too with their eyepads and youtubes. I thank the good Lord every day that we don’t let anyone who is even slightly different than myself in any way or shape into my church. God bless us in this frightening world full of different people.

-Virginia Pendlestat


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