Two episodes, that’s it. I’ve only seen two episodes of the immensely popular life improvement show Queer Eye, the ones we covered for the podcast. So while I might not necessarily think Karamo is qualified to play psychologist, how do I know that he isn’t? Can Antoni actually cook, or does he Google a few things to seem knowledgeable, focusing most of his attention squarely on corgi pics? Don’t worry, everyone! I scoured the internet for what must have been minutes, and I have the answers to these burning questions and more.

Jonathan Van Ness, duke of grooming

Jonathan is a live wire, a free-spirited man with a cleanly-sculpted mustache and pizzazz to spare. Van would not be able to be in a room with him for more than four minutes. He made a couple of Kansas City duds into Kansas City studs in the episodes we covered, so his abilities passed my eye test. When I looked up JVN (the acronym fans use), I found that he had worked at a salon for some time, but he lacked any credentials that would cement him as a grooming master. That said, I’m not one for fancy pieces of paper, so I’m giving this one to Jonathan. His work speaks for itself, as does the amount of shit he has overcome in his life.

Antoni Porowski, chef and serial murderer

I think we were all convinced that Antoni was a capable chef given his almost disturbing descriptions of meals on Queer Eye. There’s good reason for that, as the Polish-Canadian actor who shares a birth year with two-thirds of the Tubers actually worked as the personal chef for OG Queer Eye foodman Ted Allen. Porowski has netted television roles as an actor as well, so his diverse blend of talents made him an ideal choice for showing lonely men how to make exactly one meal. Wikipedia tells me that Porowski and Van Ness actually stirred up a bit of shit a couple years back by posting photos to Instagram implying a romantic relationship between the two. They were just fartin’ around, though, as they really don’t seem like one another’s type.

Karamo Brown, Dodgers fan/Sigmund Freud

Here we go, it’s Karamo time! I suspected Karamo most when it came to loose credentials, as he is typically billed as a culture and lifestyle guy, but I have only ever seen him dispense deep personal advice in intimate settings. He’s a likeable bull of a man, but I’m not sure he has any qualifications. This time my instincts proved correct, as Brown seems to mostly profile as an actor/producer type whose original claim to fame was appearing on The Real World: Philadelphia, which is also what I call some of the things that I have witnessed by the Shop Rite Fresh Grocer near Broad and Cecil B. Moore. Brown was also rather chickenshit when it came to criticizing fellow Dancing with the Stars participant Sean Spicer until public outrage forced him into action, another sign that Brown might be a bit more flash than substance. I’m gonna say Brown doesn’t pass the BTB test.

Tan France, clothing wizard

I didn’t have many doubts about the aloof and measured Tan France’s ability to pick out the right shirt. He did quality work making his subjects look sleek in the episodes we watched, and he has the mannerisms and icy stare of a fashion czar down pat. I was right here as well; France has a hell of a resume. The Englishman studied fashion at Doncaster College, a statement that makes me referring to France as “the Englishman” seem redundant. France worked extensively as a fashion designer both in the UK and in the States before assuming his role on Queer Eye, so he’s as qualified as anyone could demand. Fun fact: France once assisted in designing clothes that would meet Mormon guidelines. I don’t even think I want to know what that means, so my research stopped there.

Bobby Berk, Bob the Builder

Much like Porowski and France with their specialties, Berk seemed in love with his home design projects in Queer Eye. He also helped transform bland areas into, um, expensive areas rather capably, so I felt going in that Berk’s werk would check out. It does. Berk moved to New York from a small Midwestern town with $100 on him, eventually parlaying hardware jobs into his own online home store. Intelligent and successful with not even a high school diploma, Berk is something on an inspiration, and he’s a well-qualified design expert for Queer Eye.

What I didn’t expect was to find out how much like the Boob Tube Boys Bobby Berk happens to be. Remember that small Midwestern town I mentioned? Berk was raised primarily in Mount Vernon, Missouri and attended Assemblies of God churches growing up. He then moved to Springfield, Missouri (the home of the Boob Tube Boys!) at age 15, working at the local Applebee’s and briefly attending the same high school as Spencer and me. After some quick math, I was able to deduce that Berk’s time at Kickapoo High School was over before ours began, but it’s a fun connection.

In the end, the Queer Eye guys mostly pass muster, perhaps enough so that I’ll let Karamo slide. I’m sure they have been waiting patiently for my official statement, and I’m glad it’s a positive one.