It was a normal day in Redacted, Missouri. The sun was shining, the weather was temperate and appropriate for the current season, the children were laughing and playing and chasing each other with makeshift weapons salvaged from the nearby scrapyard as they ran to the local gas station which is also apparently a pizza place. The boob tube boys were gathered at their studio in Manly Van Lee’s garage and they were preparing to discuss the episodes of an acclaimed 90s teen drama that Brian had picked for them. Yes, it was a perfectly normal day … Or so it seemed.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Van Lee had already pressed the record button and threw up his arms in exasperation.

“Why does no one respect my craft!” Van Lee shouted as he pushed away his microphone in disgust. He rose and left the garage dejectedly as the knocking at the door continued. His poor mood was not improved when at the door he saw a dark haired teen carrying a pizza box.

“Delivery for mister Lee.” the pizza boy answered when Van Lee opened the door.
“We didn’t order any pizza!” Van Lee ejaculated at the food service worker.
“Are you sure?” Carl the pizza person asked. “It’s got your name and address right here.” he explained as he opened the box to show Van Lee the pizza inside.

“What’s this!” Van Lee shrieked as he saw what was in the box. It was in fact not a pizza but a high tech contraption that began to spray a purple mist in Van Lee’s face. He began to scream, a blood curdling cry left his throat but alas, his companions could not hear it. With his final thoughts before he hit the floor he thought to himself “damn me and my soundproofing ways”, but before he could finish the thought he was unconscious on the floor. Carl stood over him with an evil grin.
“What, no tip?” he said pithily as he tied Van Lee up and dragged him back to the delivery van lee.
Several hours passed before Spencer and Brian noticed that Van Lee was missing. You see, they had gotten into a deep discussion about which team name was the coolest on Legends Of The Hidden Temple and they had been including Van Lee in the conversation but didn’t notice that he wasn’t actually responding. It was Spencer who first noticed that the sun had gone down.

“Where is that manly Van Lee? Who was at the door? Brian, go check it out!” he commanded. You can’t really tell on the podcast but Spencer is actually the Regina George of the boob tube boys. He and Brian left the relative safety of the garage and were shocked to find the front door wide open and nothing left of Van Lee but his shoes.

“What are we going to do! He’s supposed to pick up Kati from work in two hours! If he’s missing she’ll be real mad!” Brian exclaimed.

“Don’t you go losing your shit on me now Vaughn.” Spencer shouted in Brian’s face. “Pull yourself together and help me follow this trail of purple mist that leads across the yard and to the forest down the street! That’s our best chance at finding the heart and soul of our group Van Lee.”

Brian took a moment to compose himself and thanked Spencer for the tough love. He
then took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he activated his scrying powers. He reopened his eyes and this time they glowed blue with crackling light as he opened a channel to the world of magic.

“Van Lee is being held in a cabin in the middle of the woods. The journey will be fraught with peril and we may not make it back before dinner time.”

“Well, it’s a good thing I ate a large and savory breakfast.” Spencer replied as he chomped on his cigar and put on his sunglasses. With that the remaining Boob Tube Boys set out for the dark forest.

For a good 20 minutes Spencer and Brian walked down the street, passing the white picket fences and swing sets occupied by the local youths. The children knew nothing of the danger of this world, of rogue helicopters and gormogons, how a beloved authority on fantasy baseball could be taken from his own home by a ne’er-do-well pizza boy backed by a famous actor/filmmaker. Spencer and Brian hiked through the forest, the light from Brian’s magical eyes guiding our heroes across streams and over hills until they came to a dilapidated one story cabin in the middle of the woods. Out front they saw the delivery van.

“Alright, how should we approach this?” Spencer asked gruffly.

“My sources in the forest tell me that an unconscious Van was dragged into this hut by what appeared to be a pizza boy. Over the last few weeks they have noticed lots of heavy machinery being delivered here and loud sounds coming from inside overnight. They believe that someone inside might be drilling into the ground.” Brian replied, his eyes twitching in all directions as he processed the information being delivered to his brain.

“Sources in the forest? What the hell are you talking about?” Spencer asked as he started incredulously.
“There’s no time.” he responded as his eyes returned to normal. “I believe Van’s life is in danger and we have to get in there now.”

“I’m one step ahead of you.” Spencer replied as he kicked in the door to the cabin, shattering the thick wooden door into dozens of splintered shards. The interior was bare except for a large hole in the center. It appeared that the animals of the forest were correct, someone has been digging here. The hole led to rough stairs leading deep into the earth. The boys followed them down for several minutes, occasionally hearing screaming and cackling from below. Once they reached the bottom they couldn’t believe what they saw.

“No! Don’t close your eyes Van! Watch! Experience! FEEL! THIS SONG WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!” Zach Braff screamed and cackled. Van was strapped to a table in what appeared to be a makeshift laboratory. He was surrounded by screens, all playing what appeared to be the 2004 film Garden State. Standing above him was actor director producer screenwriter Zach Braff, wearing a lab coat. It was then that he looked up and saw Brian and Spencer. “You can’t save him! He’s mine now!” Braff screamed.

“My boob tube boys! You’ve arrived to rescue me!” Van screamed with elation as he tugged on his ear. “Zach Braff has taken me and is trying to brainwash me! He thinks that if he forces me to listen to indie pop hits and watch his weird sad boy movie then I’ll be under his thrall. It’s not working but I’ve been here for hours and I’m starting to think about making a noise that no one has ever made before.”

“We’re running out of time Spencer! Before too long he’ll be talking about manic pixie dream girls!” Brian shouted over the scene where Zach Braff and Natalie Portman bury her dead hamster. “We’ve got to defeat him and save Van!”

“Not if I have anything to say about it!” Screeched Zach Braff as he transformed into a 9 foot tall jaguar, his body twisting and contorting as it began to grow claws and fur. He let out a roar and lunged towards Brian, but not before Spencer dashed in front of him wielding his enchanted greatsword. As Spencer held back Jag Braffuar Brian performed a series of rapid hand signs as his eyes began to glow red. He placed a palm flat on the ground as a ring of runes began to manifest on the floor. In the center of the circle a housecat began to materialize, then grow to 10 times it’s normal size. It was Koopa! And he was wearing armor!

“Koopa! Attack!” Brian yelled as his cat began to slash at Zach Jaguaff. Meanwhile, Spencer uttered a short prayer as his sword began to glow. He swung and jabbed at his foe, but the jaguar was fast.

“GOOD LUCK EXPLORING THE INFINITE ABYSS” Van yelled from across the room. “We’re losing him Brian, what can we do!” Spencer cried.

“We can’t give up hope! I have one more trick up my sleeve!” Brian exclaimed. He placed two fingers on each temple and closed his eyes, when he reopened them one was glowing red and the other blue. “Akj519, lend me your power one more time.”. Suddenly he was speaking with two voices as his power surged. He held out his hands in front of him as beams of energy shot from his hands, forming chains that wrapped around the Jaguar. Now that his target was incapacited Spencer was able to drive his sword into the chest of the beast. As he pulled the blade out the creature began to return to its human form.

“Do it now Brian!” Spencer shouted. Brian nodded and began chanting a spell while pointing at Zach Braff.

“It’s too late!” Braff screamed. “He’s mine now!”

“No! I’ll never be one of your mindless fanbo-” but he suddenly stopped. “SILENT VELCRO! THE SHINS! WE’RE A VIETNAMESE RESTAURANT!!!” Van struggled to snap out of it. “Oh god! Do it Brian! Complete the ritual and banish him!”

Suddenly purple light shot out of Brian’s fingers and enveloped Zach Braff. Zach began to scream as the light got brighter and brighter until no one in the room could keep their eyes open. There was a loud pop and the light was gone, and so was Zach Braff. As their eyes began to adjust the Boob Tube Boys and super-koopa looked around. Spencer and Brian ran over and untied Van from the table and smashed all of the screens.

“Is it over?” Van asked.

“It’s over.” Brian smiled back, as the red and blue magic began to fade from his eyes.

“Then let’s get back to the studio, I’m starving!” cried Spencer.

The three boys had a hearty laugh as they made their way out of the lab, back up the stairs, to the now abandoned delivery van. Spencer drove them out of the forest and back to Van’s house. Brian sat in the passenger seat as Van rested in the back.

“We’ll never have to worry about Zach Braff again.” Brian sighed contentedly. “Indeed.” declared Van.

But a wicked smile crept over Van’s face as he softly began to hum “Don’t Panic” by Coldplay with an unusual sparkle in his eye.

By Johnny Radical