Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal doesn’t show up on many bad movie lists, but I wanted to highlight it as we do our very first round of film coverage (as Motion Picture Men) for the podcast. It’s a movie about a goth rocker giving his final concert on an airplane, a cult with a very specific goal, and what people thought hacking was at the turn of the millennium. It is beautiful.
The GIFs and descriptions below are meant to give an overview of T3: HM, to take the reader on a journey to the skies to a place where peril and salvation exist concurrently. There’s a certain clueless charm about this movie that I hope to help bring to light for those unwilling to spend 96 minutes largely disoriented and vaguely longing for Rutger Hauer to be their dad. Paint your face and buckle up. Let’s do the hustle!
1. Prepare for Takeoff
As the plane concert approaches its departure time, opposing crowds gather to shout at one another about how Slade Craven is either a good musical artist or the devil’s ultimate seed of destruction.
2. Let’s Do the Hustle
Slade Craven (John Mann) is the first of his heavily-wardrobed band to exit the limousine they all chipped in to get for their final show together. He wastes no time delivering both his catchphrase (“let’s do the hustle”) and his signature smirk, lest we worry the film’s lead isn’t a lil’ stinker.
3. A Z-Web TV Exclusive
We are told that Z-Web TV has exclusive rights to broadcast the Slade Craven air concert. Director Jorge Montesi knows that an audience must see something to believe it, so he zooms in on the mouths of Z-Web TV’s central command employees talking about the big event.
4. Meet the Cockpit Crew
We meet the Craven flight’s pilot and co-pilot, who come across as a total narc and Rutger Hauer respectively.
5. The FBI Tracks Its Most Wanted Hacker
FBI special agent Kate Hayden (Gabrielle Anwar) uses Gameboy technology to find an infamous hacker she has been following for two years now and learns that he has moved into a nearby condo. Another man is also there to tell Kate to go to bed instead of working.
6. TRL‘s #1 Music Video of 2001
Turbulence 3 presents its credit sequence, a music video for Slade Craven’s “Razor Electric” with the production budget of a razor that isn’t electric. This video appears 141 additional times throughout the film.
7. Security Check, Part I: The Cravenheads
Just like all the other Cravenheads, Marlowe is very cool and rude. The airport’s patient but stern security officer has no choice but to take everyone’s sass, as Slade Craven’s final concert takes place before 9/11 canonically.
8. Security Check, Part II: The Band
Slade Craven’s fans didn’t just pull their ‘tudes out of thin air: look at the mugs (and chains) on these bad boys as they approach the metal detector!
9. How Hacking Really Works, Pt. I
We meet the untraceable hacker thus far unknown to the FBI (Craig Sheffer) and get a glimpse of him plying his craft. Mostly what he does is click on something called “The Crack” that looks like this. The egg is supposed to be diseased, I think.
10. Bucket Hat Instigator Ruins the Pre-Flight Safety Demonstration
Bucket Hat Instigator is the most riled-up of the Cravenheads, likely having eaten too much candy before boarding the flight. An attendant attempts a safety demonstration only for Bucket Hat Instigator to pull his shit for the first time, starting a “Craven” chant that spreads like wildfire.
11. Slade’s Ready to Rock and Roll
Slade and his band are having snacks and laughs in the green room when all of a sudden the frontman feels moved to say his catchphrase again and begin his final show. You just never know what he’s going to do!
12. World’s Foremost Hacker Does Broom Routine
By this point in Turbulence 3, we’ve learned that the FBI’s most wanted hacker is a 41-year-old man with a goatee, bandana, and a healthy appetite for quips. His name is Nick, and he is Slade Craven’s biggest fan. Nick hacks into his fave artist’s livestream instead of paying $10 for it and then performs a choreographed dance with a nearby broom during the first song.
13. Slade Shows Off His Theatrical Side
Having finished his first song (the worldwide sensation “Gunlove”), Slade decides it’s time for one of his patented shock rock stunts. Slade calls a fan named Gabriel to the stage to do a fake electrocution with sparks and everything. Pleased with his work but full of pre-show hors d’oeuvres, Slade leaves his bandmates to find a toilet.
14. The FBI Comes For Nick The Hacker, Part I
Kate sets up a clever fake pizza delivery to catch Nick the Hacker at home rocking out to Slade Craven’s final show. Per standard hacker arrest protocol, she handcuffs him and shoves a gun into the side of his head.
15. Murder Mystery
Nick is attempting to make excuses for the dozens of crimes Kate says he committed when he notices Slade’s manager get shot on camera. And not on the main feed, this is merely a security camera available only to Z-Web TV and really awesome hackers. This wasn’t another showpiece; a murder most foul has been committed among the clouds!
16. Z-Web TV Unveils Dazzling Website Skull Counter Thing
Everyone at Z-Web TV is really hoping for a big buy rate on this Slade Craven thing, so someone designed a state-of-the-art website counter with skulls that tumble around and slide whistle noises. Benny, Z-Web TV’s manager, seems pretty proud of it.
17. Mystery Man Surprises Slade
Slade is trying to wash his grabbers after a satisfying unload when someone in a fishnet shirt approaches him from behind. To his credit, Slade is very polite about the whole thing. We’ll check back in to see how that works out for him later.
18. The Pilot’s In On It
Whoa, Craven’s coming back out on stage! Not for a second song, though. No, never. Slade fires a blank into the pilot, who has come back to check out the show. Craven has so many tricks (and metal pendants) up his sleeves!
19. The Pilot’s Not In On It
Slade starts in on another diatribe and fires his weapon into the pilot again, just as the poor guy is gathering himself. The crowd gasps in horror as they realize this time the bullet was real. Has Slade turned his winking theatrics into a horrifying reality, or is there more to this plane concert terror than meets the eye?
20. Benny is a Bad Manager
Back at Z-Web TV headquarters, Benny is not sure what to do. Cut the feed to the broadcast, maybe? Who knows, none of this is in the company’s livestream protocol handbook.
21. Don’t Be a Hero
Gabriel was having so much fun doing his fake electrocution earlier, but now Slade has crossed a line. Sensing an opening, Gabe tries to tackle Slade only to be tossed aside and given a swift kick in the butt, the most dismissive cherry on top possible.
22. How Hacking Really Works, Pt. II
Nick knows his idol Slade Craven would never do this, and by now Kate is convinced she needs to take this sky murder stuff seriously. Kate uncuffs Nick to let him give us another inside look at the intricacies of his trade. Nick eventually uses voice recognition software to prove the killer is not Slade Craven, but an impostor!
23. Flirting.exe
Kate goes into action mode, fully ready to do an odd couple movie team-up with Nick and catch a bad guy. Meanwhile, feeling comfortable now, Nick unleashes his finest predatory leer.
24. Thrilling Database Cross-referencing
Nick and Kate both type on keyboards at the same time, proving that cinema can still get the blood pumping when done well. They figure out that a guy named Flanders is pretending to be Slade Craven.
25. Guardians of the Gateway
It turns out Flanders is part of a cult called Guardians of the Gateway, though it is not revealed whether or not he is also the organization’s web designer. The Guardians have one goal in mind: fulfill an ancient prophecy and travel through a hell tunnel in Kansas. Practically, this means Fake Slade wants to crash the plane and kill everyone on board.
26. Waste of Expensive 2001 Printer Ink
Unable to read or comprehend the information on the monitor nine inches from his face, Nick prints off the landing page of the Guardians of the Gateway site. (Author’s note: in 2001, this was every bit as wasteful an act as setting a $50 bill on fire.)
27. The Guardians Reach Their Goal (for Satan)
Since we last saw Fake Slade (we’ll call him Flanders now), he took Z-Web TV’s field reporter Erika hostage and had several circular conversations with Joe Mantegna, who is Kate’s boss at the FBI. Just as soon as that sexy skull counter hits 10 million viewers, Flanders breaks off negotiations and flings Erika aside.
28. Erika’s Shocking Heel Turn
Guitar player Damen gives the man he believes to be Slade a big ol’ hug, knocking the hostage taker’s wig off. Erika springs into action and grabs Flanders’s loose gun, but she uses it to shoot Damen! Erika’s bad! Flanders heads off to retrieve Slade, who is to be sacrificed as a false prophet as part of the whole Kansas thing.
29. Slade Slaps Back
Flanders finds Slade and starts talking shit, receiving a perfect slap for his troubles. This is the sort of slap firm enough to hurt, but relaxed enough to be disrespectful. This is the slap of a person with sass.
30. Science Saves the Day
Having slapped Flanders into yesterday, Slade ambles back out onto the stage and gets absolutely ruined by a series of Erika kicks and punches. A grounded Slade accidentally trips Erika, leading to an on-screen death that evokes the old-timey children’s game Mouse Trap.
31. R.I.P. Damen
Slade gets revenge for Damen by giving Erika’s dead face a hearty push. Psychologists refer to this as the “shove of grief.”
32. Rutger Hauer Punches Out
Slade makes his way to the cockpit with the gun he took from Flanders, but co-pilot Rutger Hauer has a gun of his own. Rutger Hauer is a Guardian of the Gateway, and once he gets done waxing poetic about classical music, he kills himself to ensure the plane crash. Slade is mostly confused.
33. Slade Extinguishes His Impostor
Finally recovered from the pain and indignity of The Slap, Flanders lunges at Slade, who is still stunned by Rutger Hauer’s suicide. The two begin a hardcore rules match that culminates in Slade foiling his opponent with a fire extinguisher to the brain.
34. Your Pilot, Slade Craven
Nick is good at everything, so he gets in touch with Slade and tells him how to land the plane. Slade shows off the size of his mouth as the plane hits the runway and ultimately lands safely. Well, safely for everyone who is still alive.
35. Kate Brings the Cuffs Back Out
It sure seemed like Kate and Nick were hitting it off, and that she might look the other way on his computer crimes given that he solved a murder and has awesome tinted glasses. Nope! Kate dangles her handcuffs in front of Nick as he pleads his case.
36. The FBI Comes For Nick the Hacker, Part II
Oh, hold on a second; I was wrong. Kate wants to do the other handcuffs thing with Nick! Kate ditches her glasses and American accent, while Nick’s tongue rolls out of his mouth and onto the floor.
37. A Safe Landing
Slade hugs his surviving bandmates and makes a bunch of cool faces, vowing to continue the show once the plane refuels. And hopefully once the loved ones of the victims have been notified.
If you haven’t already, check out our Boob Tube Boys episodes covering Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal for an even more complete analysis of a movie few have ever bothered to analyze. Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal is available for streaming on some of those free, ad-supported services with cute names. You can also email me and ask to borrow my DVD copy. Or perhaps just click here!
